Bannock Making at
the Turn of the Millenium
Through the ages the humble bannock has been the staple diet
of the hardy crofter. But, as the new Millennium dawns, the need
for ever bigger and better bannocks increases.
This fundamental nutritional need was first recognized as early
as 1998 by young Robert Graham Tulloch (Bobby o' da Heights) whilst
in the throws of a McEwans induced trance.
The first attempt at creating a Super Bannock was slightly flawed
due to contamination of the dough by 15w40 multigrade motor oil,
leeching from the seams of the 45 gallon drum cooking vessel.
Other contaminants included Blue Circle grade one cement, sand
sourced from da Blade o' Heylor and carbon particles and combustion
gasses from the vintage 1.8 horse Briggs & Stratton powered
mixer (said to be old enough to have mixed the mortar for the
Mousa Broch).
The thermal control of the cooking process was also very rough.
The mossey peat to blue clod ratio being incorrectly gauged by
Master Tulloch, who was further hampered by his ill fitting evening
attire.
Despite all these short comings two local Bannock connoisseurs
(Ivor “Hank” Hughson and Ewan o' da Heights) declared
the effort Nyimmy!!
This concluded the 1998 Super Bannock season.
The 1999 season began with a much more professional approach
being adopted. One of the first improvements made was the commissioning
and construction of the Mk 1 Sideburn Royale, a cooking appliance
of great versatility, hampered only by the fact that it was 50
years after its time.
Hygiene factors were greatly improved with the acquisition of
a fish factory grade chute and square mouthed spatula for mixing
purposes, thereby pre-empting any public outcry against GM (Godless
Messy) foods.
Top BP chef Bert Ratter BoB ( Bachelor of Bannocks ) and The
Little Chef (need we say more?) were drafted in for their stirring
abilities, to mix, bind and fold the secret ingredients of the
world's biggest bannock.
Mr Bert(ole)'s preference for Italian food came to the fore however,
when he forgot he was making a bannock and resorted to Italian
dough tossing. Matters were swiftly put back on track by The Little
Chef threatening to throw his not so little weight around.
 Split
second timing was essential to ensure that the dough was of just
the right consistency and texture, just as the oven was reaching
optimum temperature. As this was such a momentous occasion guest
appearances were made by those other well known chefs, The Williamson
Brothers (Seafood Specialists) and Monsieur Jake le Cromarte (Pomme
de Terre Specialist).
When Chief Stoker Toad declared that the Dilithium Crystals couldn't
take any more, the Mother of all Bannocks was placed inside the
oven and baked at Warp Factor 7 to perfection.
To add the finishing touch, Gas Specialist Stuart o' da Heights
was called in to light the after burners to produce that perfect
crusty exterior.
Throughout the proceedings refreshments and smoorikans were served
to an eager public by Ivor “Hank” Hughson, Owner/Manager
of Shetland's answer to Stringfellows - HUGGIE'S BAR, the only
place to be if your stuck in a 70s time warp!!
The baking now complete, the bannock was removed and allowed
to cool amid the euphoria and rapturous applause from the awestruck
assembly. The carving of such an important piece of culinary history
could not be left to just anyone. With this in mind the world
renowned skill and experience of Auntie Greta was called upon,
ably assisted by those good old, tully totin', butter spreadin'
kitchen women.
The finished delicacy was now offered to the slavering throng.
Those who dared to try it declared it “no too bad ava!”
Little Chef & the originator of the Big Bannock Robert
Graham Tulloch sample the 1999 Record Breaker.
The Millennium Season promises to put all others in the shade
and preparations are well under way at time of going to press.
Word has it that the Bannock will be bigger and the Lerwick Harbour
Trust 100 ton crane is standing by, just in case. Also, rumour
has it that Bernie Ecclestone is vying for the television rights
to the Merry Tiller World Championship so as to minimize his losses
when Merry Tiller racing eclipses the Formula One scene. Furthermore
speculation is rife that Professor Williamson's new invention
is “oot o hand” all together. We shall have to wait
and see!!
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